I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
