i just sent this text using only my big toe
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
