There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
