just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
