is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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