I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
