Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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