I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
