bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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