Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
