I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
So many bounce houses so little time
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
