White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
