so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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