i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
