I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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