Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
