dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
