Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
