I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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