He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
