How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Randomize
