I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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