I think my fart just growled at me.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
