Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
