Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
