Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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