Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize