My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
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