Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
