I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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