i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
