Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Randomize
