Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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