I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
