You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
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