I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
