I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Be still, my beating vagina.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
