ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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