the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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