I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
