I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
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he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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