There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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