Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
