I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
