Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I want to be your penis for a week.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
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