ya dads aren't the best wingmen
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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