just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
