Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
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