Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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