Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
