I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
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Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
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Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously