I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
