just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
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Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
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Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
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