I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
