so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
