I am in a vortex of obligation.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
