I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
